I remember looking up at my sis who is thirteen years elder to me, envying the freedom she had.. to do what she wanted… going out with her friends… her opinions being valued by my parents cuz she was an adult, someone mature and responsible. I was so desperate to grow up.. so I wouldn’t have to wake up early to go to school.. so that I wouldn’t be scared in my Chemistry class ‘cuz I didn’t know a certain formula.. so that I could have the freedom to go out by myself.. so that my opinions are heard.
Today, I am somewhat there where I dreamt to be a few years back.. And looking back I question myself.. Was I in my right mind to want all those things while not appreciating what I had? I did not have a regular school life, thanks to having my mum at school.. But hey I was blessed with soo many wonderful friends.. those whom I treasure even today… I knew I would meet them the next day in school.. we would chat… we would play together… crib.. cry.. laugh… there would always be a tomorrow… A Saturday or Sunday meant heartbreak cuz that meant being away from friends…
I am 22 years old.. an adult if we go by age standards.. I earn.. I can go wherever I want.. with whoever I want… my opinions are valued.. in fact I make soo many decisions about so many things that it really scares me!! Life seems such an uphill battle.. If I’m happy, I’m questioning myself.. If I’m sad I’m blaming all the world and God.. to meet my friends, we all have to match our schedules.. then someone is free…someone isn’t! There is a constant battle in heart and mind about everything under the sun.. why the hell don’t we appreciate what we have till that is lost!! I wonder where life is taking me.. what’s right.. what’s wrong.. I question every action I take.. I cry watching a senti movie, then laugh at myself for being so stupid.. my heart and mind are at constant loggerheads… I miss my sister, I miss my friends.. I regret so many decisions in my life… I regret letting go of soo many people… and then I wonder what would’ve happened had I done things differently.. But then again, everything we say or do makes our life what it is today..
I used to get irritated earlier about the number of frndz and the lack of time to be with them all.. If I met one group, others used to be angry.. And I used to get tickled about how childish they acted.. Today I miss that.. I miss being missed.. I miss having the liberty of time… I don’t know where I am going.. what I am doing.. why I am doing.. Who do I wanna be with.. Who I wanna forget.. Wish life was just a little bit simpler… when the only decision I had to make was choosing the ice-cream flavor I wanted to have.. I soo wish not to show anyone what’s in my heart and mind.. Then again, I am pretty great at that as well, eh?!! I remember during winters I used to make caves with my quilt and pretended I was protecting my clan, my friends, my family within that cave.. Today, I again wanna roll back into that cave and just hide away.. from the world.. from myself.. my thoughts.. my feelings…
And at the end of these 600 odd words, I again wonder what the hell I wanted to write and what I actually put down!!!
