The Little Girl

There was once a li'l girl

Who didn't think she was worth a twirl

She grew up feeling small and wry

A li'l fat, much too shy..

Never knowing a handsome lad awaits her..

Quick to laugh and riding beyond the tide

They met as strangers

Grew up to be great friends

Until one day when both had feelings surreal 

Riding the tide of laughter and love

devoid of any drama, locked away in a cove

Alas! The ride was short-lived

As it often always is..

All they could do was watch either go 

Each holding on to their ego

Time moved on.. As it ruthlessly does

Both living their lives

Unaware of each other's purrs

Happily masking a bruised heart

Under the sun, smiles and more love

Till there came a day 

when the little princess shunned all love

For how could she love any

When she lost the only one she loved?

Would destiny do her justice some day?

Have someone to love who loved her back same way?

Letting go of all the pain she hid in her heart

Awashed by the freshness of a long and lasting start...

The guy in the Red shirt!!!

He was unlike any other guy I had ever laid my eyes on. With eyes so trusting and such a gorgeous smile, I wondered how anyone in the vicinity could not but focus just on him. His red shirt and shiny dark brown hair, with a few strands caressing his forehead, he looked like the most gorgeous thing on earth.

Sitting at a bench near a small fountain, in the middle of a crowded market in Switzerland, on a beautiful sunny afternoon, that guy in red shirt simply took my heart away. And the best part? He had reserved his special smiles, naughty glances and undivided attention to no one else in that crowded street but me! What started as the sharing of a few glances and small smiles and of course his little gifts of love..he simply made the trip that day worthwhile!!

The woman who was accompanying him had her eyes firmly on him. Thankfully, she didn’t mind him shooting me the special smile or the mischievous glances or even coming to my bench every now and then. Within the next half an hour, we had caught the attention of every person, young or old, near that lovely fountain. Some looked amused by his antics, while others looked at me, clearly a foreign girl in that area, with curious glances. However, nothing could sway his attention from me. What started out as hesitant glances towards me went on to become a full blown public affair, with him showering me with a gift so unusual, that too every 5 mins!

After stopping him a few times, but clearly not getting the desired response from him, and with me not showing any signs of boredom or irritation either, the woman accompanying him also found a quiet corner under a huge tree, getting busy with her thoughts, glancing at us every now and then.

My sister, who had been bugging me throughout our Europe trip, for being such a bore and not even trying to talk to any handsome young man who crossed our paths, was clearly enjoying this and in fact, egged me on to respond likewise to his unbiased showering of love and how can we forget, the pebbles ;-) Don’t worry, he wasn’t showing his love by hitting me with pebbles or anything, it just happened to be the only thing he could get his hands on and could give to me!

I can say, without hesitation, that he has been the most handsome guy till date who has hit on me, and that too so openly! Ahh, that smile and the beautiful eyes.. Anyways, I have always been a sucker for beautiful and deep eyes. So he was, in fact, the ideal package for me. He made up for di and masi having pulled me to go shopping with them! He just made it so worthwhile! Alas! All good things must come to an end. And that gorgeous little guy had to go away with that woman who had decided it was time to go home! All I was left with was his backward glances, the sight of his little red shirt, the twinkling eyes and of course, the pebbles! That gorgeous Swiss guy in the red shirt really took my heart away in that sunny afternoon near the fountain!!

Lost beyond the horizon..

I sat down thinking about you last night..

Remembering all the beautiful memories of the years gone by..

Saddened by the thought of having lost you and the memories to be..

Asking myself same questions everyday..

Not able to answer any, yesterday or today..

What I wouldn't give to have you here..

To hug me back and bring me cheer..

Smile I do, yesterday today and tomorrow..

The same smile masking all my sorrow..

How do I imagine a new day without you..

When all I have left are memories of me and you..

Never could imagine such a dawn would arrive

When I won't wake up with you smiling bright..

All the failures and aches and heartbreaks..

Could never match up the pain of losing you and missing you spades..

Oh! How I wish to hug you just once more..

Smell your fragrance and love you galore..

All the beauty of tomorrow is lost..

Lost beyond the sun.. lost beyond the horizon....

~~~ Deeksha

I dreamt of you last night...

I dreamt of you last night. My first dream about you in 5 months since you passed away! Does that mean you still remember me? Or is it that I have been thinking about you a lot lately? Since the night of your death one thought that keeps bugging me is you me desperately trying to feel you around me and unlike dad or di, not seeing you in my dreams even once! Stupid at it may sound, the thought of you forgetting me has been no short of a heartbreak to me! I don't understand death, after-life, heaven or hell. In fact, I don't understand life at all, for that matter! But I had this notion from somewhere, that if nothing else I would have you in my memories and since memories make our dreams a lot of times, I'll see you around!

The timing couldn't havee been more perfect, or more weird! With red, swollen watery eyes and a running nose and pounding headache, I was in the throes of deep uneasiness and was in and out of sleep. I needed something to take the pain away. Somewhere around the early hours, I see this strange dream of you coming back to me, coming back to us, in our old house. I mostly don't remember dreams. Or rather, I dream so rarely and most of them aren't important enough to remember I guess. But this one. This one I remember so clearly. And I remember knowing even in my sleep and in my dream that IT IS A DREAM! But wishing, oh-so-desperately that it were the reality. That you had actually come back to us. In our home. With dad, di and our friends and relatives celebrating your return-from life, from the place no-one has seen!

The stangest part was that even in the dream, I was fighting people, circumstances, things to reach out to you. As I said before, the dream was nothing less than WEIRD! And all I could think of was. Thank you God. For making my mom return to me. Human beings are so weird. When you have someone with you, you don't have the time to spend with them. Or you waste time in petty issues or stupid stuff. Never appreciating what life is giving us. A chance to be with people who love you, inspite and despite youself. However, when you truly appreciate someone, it's only when they have left you. Physically or otherwise.....

Jiyen kyun.. Dum maaro dum

Na aaye ho, na aaoge, na phone pe bulaoge

Na shaam ki karaari chai, labhon se yun pilaoge

Na aaye ho, na aaoge, na din dhale sataoge

Na raat ki nashili bye se neendh mein jagaoge

Gaye tum gaye ho kyun, yeh raat baaki hai

Gaye tum gaye ho kyun, saath baaki hai

Gaye tum gaye hum tham gaye har baat baaki hai

Gaye kyun toh jiyein kyun

Na aaye ho, na aaoge, na dooriyaan dhikhaoge

Na thaam ke woh josh mein yun hosh se udaoge

Na aaye ho, na aaoge, na jhoot se sunaoge

Na rooth ke sihane mein, remote ko chupaoge

Gaye tum gaye ho kyun, yeh raat baaki hai

Gaye tum gaye ho kyun, saath baaki hai

Gaye tum gaye hum tham gaye har baat baaki hai

Gaye kyun toh jiyein kyun

Aankh bhi tham gayi, na thaki

Raat bhi na bhati, na kati

Raat bhi cherti marrti

Neendh bhi lutt gayi, chiin gayi

Raat bhi na sahi, na rahi

Raat bhi laazmi, zaalmi

Gaye tum gaye ho kyun, yeh raat baaki hai

Gaye tum gaye ho kyun, saath baaki hai

Gaye tum gaye hum tham gaye har baat baaki hai

Gaye kyun toh jiyein kyun

Gaye kyun toh jiyein kyun

Na aaye ho, na aaoge, na phone pe bulaoge

Na shaam ki karaari chai, labhon se yun churaoge

Enough to boil the blood!!!

Crazy traffic.. crazy people.. crazy weather.. crazy moods.. enough of this craziness already!! How often have we uttered these words or atleast heard someone else saying the same? I, for one, would top the charts when it comes to going completely mad with anger at all the stupids who drive the roads as if they own it!! Well mister, you aren't the only one who thinks so. Every one here is here to commit murder.. they wanna kill every car approaching them and thrash every little bugger who would even dare to cross paths!! I am no saint when it comes to driving! I love giving angry looks to any male chauvenist pig who would dare look at me with insolent eyes. Dude, I would hit your car/bike/person just to prove a point. And anyways you think me being a female, I would not drive well, so I should just prove you right. Thankfully, with my temper, I also carry my brains with myself. So I'm YET to do something so stupid.

However, all this craziness makes me think I'm also among the rat-race I so despise. I'm also doing what I can't tolerate in the other crazy junta. Does that make me yet another brick-in-the-wall? A nut-case who's out to smack someone just for the sake of it. No one could accuse me of being an angry young woman. In fact, I so rarely show my emotions, especially anger, that I sometimes wonder whether I put my angry cap on only when I'm driving? Phew!! Some questions are best left unanswered. Or shouldn't they?!

Missing you just doesn't get easier...

They say time heals all wounds. Memories fade as years pass by. However, there are certain events and people in life whose memories grow stronger everyday.

This one's dedicated to you mama...

I didn't say it enough times but I love you. You might not be here to listen to me say it or to see it in my eyes, but having you as my mother has been a true gift of God. We've had our share of disagreements, enough fights to last a lifetime, but every night I saw you sleeping and I told myself silently how much I love you. I just wish we had more years together. You had to pester me for so many more years to come.

Hearing some1 say you're no more is like a wake up call every time. Like someone has just burst my bubble and thrown ice-cold water on my face. B'coz I still feel you around. Or atleast I wish I felt you more than I already do. The first one week after you left us, people used to make us do all kinds of things as they believe the soul doesn't leave even if the body is gone. I used to fervently wish they were true. I just so wanted to feel your arms around me. To fight with you over petty issues. To share a cornetto with you. There are so many things we had to do mama. It was too soon. I so wish I could've done more for you. I so wanted to pamper you with my earnings. I wanted to take you travelling. I wanted to see you wearing jeans! Remember, how I used to always tell you I'll make you wear them once.

We never truly appreciate what we have till we lost it.. permanently. Mama, it would take my whole life to realize you're no more with us. To not have you in my job of getting a new job is like I'm on a ride, but the wind is against me. Every joy, every happiness is incomplete.For the whole world you were just someone. For me, you were my mother. I never really appreciated the meaning of the word till I lost you. But you didn't even give me a chance to say goodbye mama. It just isn't fair,alright?! Remember, how on our way back that evening you told me you also wanted to get better and I felt this time we'll fight it together. You didn't give me the chance mama. Had you so little faith in me?

Looking back at our pictures together, I can see your love in your eyes, in the way you used to hold me, protectively, proudly. Mom, I am what I am today because of you. Because I had a brave, fearless, honest, wonderful human being in my mother, I can be so confident and fearless. You never lied, cheated or did anything wrong. Yet life gave you a hard time. Di and me are both what we are today 'cause of you and dad. But still, the emptiness remains. I sometimes walk in the house, even our new house, feeling you'll come and open the door, ask me how was my day at work and tell me to not work my ass off. Hey mama, I got a new job! I would've taken you out to dinner!

There are so many things I want to tell you. So many times all I want is to hug you and have you hug me back. Even fighting with you and scolding you like a child was another world altogether. We are trying to live our life without you. But there's this emptiness in all our hearts which would never be filled. Words would never ever be enough and feelings would always remain.. feelings.. I just wished I could've said a last goodbye, kissed you goodnight, made you tea, had coffee made my you, had you scold me for not doing something, just had you around me.

I have a lot to say still but words have left me.. Nothing more to say than just this...Mama, I love you, more and more each day!! May you rest in peace. And please. Never ever forget us. I don't know what's it like up der ;-) But try telling dat jackass up there to just keep you reserved for me. I can't stand to think you'd be anyone else than my own mama. <3