Wednesday, November 23, 2011

What's wrong with them anyway?!

DISGUSTING. REPULSIVE. SORDID. REVOLTING.

No, I'm not trying to improve my vocabulary here! That can happen even without practicing on these upsetting terms. However, there are some times in your life when you are forced to pull all your strength and deep dive into your vocabulary to try and find terms which, even if not precisely, somewhat pay justice to your feelings and bring out things from the abyss of your heart.

23 years and counting. Yes, that's the amount of time and life I have spent amidst men - excuse moi - creatures who are popularly called men. Every day brings yet another facet of these creatures to the fore and every day is yet another blow to your faith in justice. Justice to humanity. Justice to mankind.

Don't worry. I am not a man-hater. Nor am I here ranting relentlessly just for the fun of it. Trust me, at the end of a tiring day, the last thing you want to do is act like a cry-baby. However, this couldn't wait. Not any longer.

Last night was yet another night when I could let loose my words (read : swear-words). Already having been worried into a late-night working sister who doesn't pick up your calls or sms'es back saying she'll be even later than 11pm working late into the night in back to back meetings, the last thing you want is to hear that her car got rammed! BLUHDY HELL!!! You cannot help but be thankful to someone, somewhere that she's reached home - safe, unhurt.

However, later when you hear the details, about how a rowdy and impatient cab driver, driving like Schumacher from the wrong way on a one-way street rams the car, backs the car and runs off like a rat into his hole, you can feel your blood pulsating and feel like killing that son of a gun (mind my language).

How this previous para fits into the essential theme of this particular blog post isn't quite as illogical as one might be thinking actually. One might argue that a woman might have been doing exactly the same thing and I wouldn't have uttered a word just because of the gender in question. However, the fact that every second man on the street drives like he owns the road is something which irks me to no end.

Despite this apparent I'll-drive-like-mad-i-own-the-road phenomenon, there is yet another thing which is limited to Indian men. Yes, the very own male species of our patriarchal society. Actually, somehow, when they were young or in their early childhood, they must have been told by their parents/family/society that it is their right to urinate - in front of the whole world. After all, privacy can go to hell. I'm sure they must wonder every day which idiot thought of coming up with a decent, civilized toilet. The road is their relieving zone my friend.

Why can't these seemingly normal humans understand that their bladder works pretty similar to that of a woman. When women can control and hold it in, why can't they. Even if the bladder completely revolts and forces them to go find a place to pee, would it bee too much of an effort to find a secluded place, away from the hustle and bustle and close vision of the world.

If there's anything worse than a man peeing on the road-side is a man who pees there and is proud of it. These men have a degree in Masters of Disgust. They pee on the road, constantly scratch their balls, dig a hole into their noses and burp/fart in public as if people are waiting for another round of disgust from them.

Why are we like this? One can't even say these qualities are limited to the uneducated, illiterate people. They still might be excused, for no one taught them basic hygiene and how to act/behave when in public. But what about those driving-in-civic-still-spitting-paan-out-of-the-car people? What about the expensive-suit-and-boots-flaunting people who burp loudly before entering into a meeting with their corporate honcho.

Why are we like this? Would it be too much of an effort to TRY and being CIVILIZED and DECENT.

An early morning sms from my sister brought me a hearty laugh and at the same time a sense of irony of how we have got used to, what else but disgusting behavior from our NCR men. This is how it read :

" A group of men peeing the side of the national highway, chests thrust out like a peacock in heat, looking around proudly to see who's noticing. Who dare beat the NCR man in disgust factor?"

No one, I'd said. They win hands down!!! Sad, but true.



Monday, October 10, 2011

A sorry is just another word!!

When a sorry cannot undo the damage already done..
When apologies don't mend a bleeding heart..
When the bullet's already outta the gun..
When all you do is mourn and shun..
The very being which caused the greatest hurt..
The winds have blown over..
The trees don't dance no more..
A sorry becomes just another word..
Another excuse for the big, bad world...

~~Deeksha

Sunday, October 2, 2011

The other side of Delhi

We sometimes forget how beautiful some things and places are, till we see them again in times of utter silence and peace.

Since moving to Gurgaon, I'm forced to compare the two cities again and again and sadly there's not much difference between the two. The same rude, impatient and flashy people are there in both the cities. Why shouldn't they? After all, Gurgaon is teeming with the Delhi junta, either those who commute here everyday for their jobs in the sky-high fancy buildings or the others, like me, who chose not to travel in the crazy traffic everyday and have instead moved to the NCR.

Frankly, I don't miss Delhi. Not much anyways. I'm probably one of those very few Delhiites, who's not that proud of being one. Mostly because of the kind of people we are, the qualities I have listed earlier. But no, this blog isn't my frustration about the kind of people we have in either of these cities. That is for some other time.

Today, It's about the other side of Delhi. The beautiful one. One which we often miss in the dusty, pot-holed, traffic laden streets of the city during the day time. This side of Delhi is can only be discovered when most of the busy junta have returned to their homes, and are soundly watching their Just Dance or Bigg Boss or some such stuff. They wouldn't give two hoots about what's happening outside their homes.

When some crazy, moneyed, pistol-flaunting Bolero owner isn't running around the streets killing innocent toll-boothwallahs, one must roam around the city at night and be engulfed in its beauty. The wide roads, the cool breeze and dark night are so welcoming that it actually makes you fall in love again with the city.

Today was one of those nights, when despite of seeing cars here, there, everywhere even at 12am, I still could enjoy my ride. It was AMAZING! The wide, traffic free roads were a welcome change to the choc-a-block traffic that's a common sight at any time of the day.

The people were speeding even then, making zig-zags and flaunting what great cars and driving skills they owned, but for a change I couldn't bother less. I just wanted to enjoy my drive. I would've stayed home while D picked up E from the airport, but there was no way I could miss this opportunity to drive at night. I wasn't disappointed and when I saw the glowing moon in the sky while waiting at one of the red lights, I just smiled to myself. I was so much at peace with myself, with the peace around me, no crazy rush to reach anywhere.

So yes, Delhi is beautiful. It's got a certain charm about it which most Delhiites and outsiders love. But then again, why must one wait for the night to fall in order to be able to enjoy the beauty of this place? 

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Dear Excel Sheet


Dear Excel Sheet

I’d like to start by saying I really love you. I mean it. After all, I spend 12 hours of my day staring at you. So much so, that sometimes, Numbers start flowing like a river, all thanks to you. I still love you.

Strange life is, is it not? For, there was a time when I had vowed to a life without you. Ok. So staying without you is really not a feasible idea today. However, more and more as I spend time with you, I realize how foolish I was.

For, you have not just become a part of my life. You are the be all and end all where my life is concerned. The 1st thing I do when I start my day is open all the various versions of you I would need to get me through the day.

And the last thing I do when I finally leave for home is either share you with THE ONE or take home with me, sweet darling that you are. See, I can’t even think of staying at home without your esteemed and loving presence.

I have scattered your love all throughout my house. Whether it’s my personal laptop, which was supposed to be for my leisure and relaxation, or my sister’s which is supposed to be used in case of dire urgency, you are there everywhere.

My dear excel, now you must realize how much I am in love with you.

There was once a part of me, which was fun and enthusiastic. I used to THINK and FEEL.

Now also there’s a part of me that thinks and feels. But, they do so just for one and one thing alone – You, my dear excel sheet, who else but you?!

I often dream of seeing my face splashed across a brick wall, with you covering me head to toe. Beautiful it would be I am sure. For such love can only be seen to be believed.

However, my dear excel. Even though I love you so, I would never want you to spend such QUALITY time with anyone I know, who might be even a little bit such as me.

For, even though a useful and helpful little friend you are. You often make your partner forget who they are. Some keep on going through life, led on by bigger versions of you. Some halt and take a whole new different path.

I wonder what happens to either of these. Do they miss you as the sun misses the rain? Or do they cry their eyes out, staying apart from you, wondering how they would carry on with their lives without your magical guidance.

Or are there some breeds who might not give you half as much attention as you need? Do you also sometimes feel ignored, when the more snobby “creative” types, give more weight to dreams and imaginations and maybe 12 hours not solely to you?

Don’t you get sick of the talks of thinking out of the box and spending time understanding other, may be more important stuff? For surely you must think and believe, that you have all there is to know. There might not be any life beyond an excel sheet.

Do you ever spare anyone, ever? Young, fun or old? Or do you like to scratch and bite, till wounds go sore and pain no more. Uncomfortably numb as they say.

The questions remain unanswered, as so many of life’s mysteries do. But never for a moment should you believe that I’ve stopped loving you……

Yours truly

Sunday, September 11, 2011

The Little Girl

There was once a li'l girl
Who didn't think she was worth a twirl
She grew up feeling small and wry
A li'l fat, much too shy..
Never knowing a handsome lad awaits her..
Quick to laugh and riding beyond the tide
They met as strangers
Grew up to be great friends
Until one day when both had feelings surreal 
Riding the tide of laughter and love
devoid of any drama, locked away in a cove
Alas! The ride was short-lived
As it often always is..
All they could do was watch either go 
Each holding on to their ego
Time moved on.. As it ruthlessly does
Both living their lives
Unaware of each other's purrs
Happily masking a bruised heart
Under the sun, smiles and more love
Till there came a day 
when the little princess shunned all love
For how could she love any
When she lost the only one she loved?
Would destiny do her justice some day?
Have someone to love who loved her back same way?
Letting go of all the pain she hid in her heart
Awashed by the freshness of a long and lasting start...





Friday, May 27, 2011

The guy in the Red shirt!!!

He was unlike any other guy I had ever laid my eyes on. With eyes so trusting and such a gorgeous smile, I wondered how anyone in the vicinity could not but focus just on him. His red shirt and shiny dark brown hair, with a few strands caressing his forehead, he looked like the most gorgeous thing on earth.


Sitting at a bench near a small fountain, in the middle of a crowded market in Switzerland, on a beautiful sunny afternoon, that guy in red shirt simply took my heart away. And the best part? He had reserved his special smiles, naughty glances and undivided attention to no one else in that crowded street but me! What started as the sharing of a few glances and small smiles and of course his little gifts of love..he simply made the trip that day worthwhile!!

The woman who was accompanying him had her eyes firmly on him. Thankfully, she didn’t mind him shooting me the special smile or the mischievous glances or even coming to my bench every now and then. Within the next half an hour, we had caught the attention of every person, young or old, near that lovely fountain. Some looked amused by his antics, while others looked at me, clearly a foreign girl in that area, with curious glances. However, nothing could sway his attention from me. What started out as hesitant glances towards me went on to become a full blown public affair, with him showering me with a gift so unusual, that too every 5 mins!

After stopping him a few times, but clearly not getting the desired response from him, and with me not showing any signs of boredom or irritation either, the woman accompanying him also found a quiet corner under a huge tree, getting busy with her thoughts, glancing at us every now and then.

My sister, who had been bugging me throughout our Europe trip, for being such a bore and not even trying to talk to any handsome young man who crossed our paths, was clearly enjoying this and in fact, egged me on to respond likewise to his unbiased showering of love and how can we forget, the pebbles ;-) Don’t worry, he wasn’t showing his love by hitting me with pebbles or anything, it just happened to be the only thing he could get his hands on and could give to me!


I can say, without hesitation, that he has been the most handsome guy till date who has hit on me, and that too so openly! Ahh, that smile and the beautiful eyes.. Anyways, I have always been a sucker for beautiful and deep eyes. So he was, in fact, the ideal package for me. He made up for di and masi having pulled me to go shopping with them! He just made it so worthwhile! Alas! All good things must come to an end. And that gorgeous little guy had to go away with that woman who had decided it was time to go home! All I was left with was his backward glances, the sight of his little red shirt, the twinkling eyes and of course, the pebbles! That gorgeous Swiss guy in the red shirt really took my heart away in that sunny afternoon near the fountain!!

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Lost beyond the horizon..


I sat down thinking about you last night..
Remembering all the beautiful memories of the years gone by..
Saddened by the thought of having lost you and the memories to be..
Asking myself same questions everyday..
Not able to answer any, yesterday or today..
What I wouldn't give to have you here..
To hug me back and bring me cheer..
Smile I do, yesterday today and tomorrow..
The same smile masking all my sorrow..
How do I imagine a new day without you..
When all I have left are memories of me and you..
Never could imagine such a dawn would arrive
When I won't wake up with you smiling bright..
All the failures and aches and heartbreaks..
Could never match up the pain of losing you and missing you spades..
Oh! How I wish to hug you just once more..
Smell your fragrance and love you galore..
All the beauty of tomorrow is lost..
Lost beyond the sun.. lost beyond the horizon....

~~~ Deeksha

I dreamt of you last night...

I dreamt of you last night. My first dream about you in 5 months since you passed away! Does that mean you still remember me? Or is it that I have been thinking about you a lot lately? Since the night of your death one thought that keeps bugging me is you me desperately trying to feel you around me and unlike dad or di, not seeing you in my dreams even once! Stupid at it may sound, the thought of you forgetting me has been no short of a heartbreak to me! I don't understand death, after-life, heaven or hell. In fact, I don't understand life at all, for that matter! But I had this notion from somewhere, that if nothing else I would have you in my memories and since memories make our dreams a lot of times, I'll see you around!

The timing couldn't havee been more perfect, or more weird! With red, swollen watery eyes and a running nose and pounding headache, I was in the throes of deep uneasiness and was in and out of sleep. I needed something to take the pain away. Somewhere around the early hours, I see this strange dream of you coming back to me, coming back to us, in our old house. I mostly don't remember dreams. Or rather, I dream so rarely and most of them aren't important enough to remember I guess. But this one. This one I remember so clearly. And I remember knowing even in my sleep and in my dream that IT IS A DREAM! But wishing, oh-so-desperately that it were the reality. That you had actually come back to us. In our home. With dad, di and our friends and relatives celebrating your return-from life, from the place no-one has seen!

The stangest part was that even in the dream, I was fighting people, circumstances, things to reach out to you. As I said before, the dream was nothing less than WEIRD! And all I could think of was. Thank you God. For making my mom return to me. Human beings are so weird. When you have someone with you, you don't have the time to spend with them. Or you waste time in petty issues or stupid stuff. Never appreciating what life is giving us. A chance to be with people who love you, inspite and despite youself. However, when you truly appreciate someone, it's only when they have left you. Physically or otherwise.....

Monday, May 16, 2011

Jiyen kyun.. Dum maaro dum






Na aaye ho, na aaoge, na phone pe bulaoge
Na shaam ki karaari chai, labhon se yun pilaoge
Na aaye ho, na aaoge, na din dhale sataoge
Na raat ki nashili bye se neendh mein jagaoge
Gaye tum gaye ho kyun, yeh raat baaki hai
Gaye tum gaye ho kyun, saath baaki hai
Gaye tum gaye hum tham gaye har baat baaki hai
Gaye kyun toh jiyein kyun

Na aaye ho, na aaoge, na dooriyaan dhikhaoge
Na thaam ke woh josh mein yun hosh se udaoge
Na aaye ho, na aaoge, na jhoot se sunaoge
Na rooth ke sihane mein, remote ko chupaoge
Gaye tum gaye ho kyun, yeh raat baaki hai
Gaye tum gaye ho kyun, saath baaki hai
Gaye tum gaye hum tham gaye har baat baaki hai
Gaye kyun toh jiyein kyun

Aankh bhi tham gayi, na thaki
Raat bhi na bhati, na kati
Raat bhi cherti marrti
Neendh bhi lutt gayi, chiin gayi
Raat bhi na sahi, na rahi
Raat bhi laazmi, zaalmi
Gaye tum gaye ho kyun, yeh raat baaki hai
Gaye tum gaye ho kyun, saath baaki hai
Gaye tum gaye hum tham gaye har baat baaki hai
Gaye kyun toh jiyein kyun
Gaye kyun toh jiyein kyun


Na aaye ho, na aaoge, na phone pe bulaoge
Na shaam ki karaari chai, labhon se yun churaoge











Enough to boil the blood!!!

Crazy traffic.. crazy people.. crazy weather.. crazy moods.. enough of this craziness already!! How often have we uttered these words or atleast heard someone else saying the same? I, for one, would top the charts when it comes to going completely mad with anger at all the stupids who drive the roads as if they own it!! Well mister, you aren't the only one who thinks so. Every one here is here to commit murder.. they wanna kill every car approaching them and thrash every little bugger who would even dare to cross paths!! I am no saint when it comes to driving! I love giving angry looks to any male chauvenist pig who would dare look at me with insolent eyes. Dude, I would hit your car/bike/person just to prove a point. And anyways you think me being a female, I would not drive well, so I should just prove you right. Thankfully, with my temper, I also carry my brains with myself. So I'm YET to do something so stupid.

However, all this craziness makes me think I'm also among the rat-race I so despise. I'm also doing what I can't tolerate in the other crazy junta. Does that make me yet another brick-in-the-wall? A nut-case who's out to smack someone just for the sake of it. No one could accuse me of being an angry young woman. In fact, I so rarely show my emotions, especially anger, that I sometimes wonder whether I put my angry cap on only when I'm driving? Phew!! Some questions are best left unanswered. Or shouldn't they?!

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Missing you just doesn't get easier...

They say time heals all wounds. Memories fade as years pass by. However, there are certain events and people in life whose memories grow stronger everyday.

This one's dedicated to you mama...

I didn't say it enough times but I love you. You might not be here to listen to me say it or to see it in my eyes, but having you as my mother has been a true gift of God. We've had our share of disagreements, enough fights to last a lifetime, but every night I saw you sleeping and I told myself silently how much I love you. I just wish we had more years together. You had to pester me for so many more years to come.

Hearing some1 say you're no more is like a wake up call every time. Like someone has just burst my bubble and thrown ice-cold water on my face. B'coz I still feel you around. Or atleast I wish I felt you more than I already do. The first one week after you left us, people used to make us do all kinds of things as they believe the soul doesn't leave even if the body is gone. I used to fervently wish they were true. I just so wanted to feel your arms around me. To fight with you over petty issues. To share a cornetto with you. There are so many things we had to do mama. It was too soon. I so wish I could've done more for you. I so wanted to pamper you with my earnings. I wanted to take you travelling. I wanted to see you wearing jeans! Remember, how I used to always tell you I'll make you wear them once.

We never truly appreciate what we have till we lost it.. permanently. Mama, it would take my whole life to realize you're no more with us. To not have you in my job of getting a new job is like I'm on a ride, but the wind is against me. Every joy, every happiness is incomplete.For the whole world you were just someone. For me, you were my mother. I never really appreciated the meaning of the word till I lost you. But you didn't even give me a chance to say goodbye mama. It just isn't fair,alright?! Remember, how on our way back that evening you told me you also wanted to get better and I felt this time we'll fight it together. You didn't give me the chance mama. Had you so little faith in me?

Looking back at our pictures together, I can see your love in your eyes, in the way you used to hold me, protectively, proudly. Mom, I am what I am today because of you. Because I had a brave, fearless, honest, wonderful human being in my mother, I can be so confident and fearless. You never lied, cheated or did anything wrong. Yet life gave you a hard time. Di and me are both what we are today 'cause of you and dad. But still, the emptiness remains. I sometimes walk in the house, even our new house, feeling you'll come and open the door, ask me how was my day at work and tell me to not work my ass off. Hey mama, I got a new job! I would've taken you out to dinner!

There are so many things I want to tell you. So many times all I want is to hug you and have you hug me back. Even fighting with you and scolding you like a child was another world altogether. We are trying to live our life without you. But there's this emptiness in all our hearts which would never be filled. Words would never ever be enough and feelings would always remain.. feelings.. I just wished I could've said a last goodbye, kissed you goodnight, made you tea, had coffee made my you, had you scold me for not doing something, just had you around me.

I have a lot to say still but words have left me.. Nothing more to say than just this...Mama, I love you, more and more each day!! May you rest in peace. And please. Never ever forget us. I don't know what's it like up der ;-) But try telling dat jackass up there to just keep you reserved for me. I can't stand to think you'd be anyone else than my own mama. <3

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Save the best for the last!

I didn't realize it till recently that I haven't updated my blog in ages. In fact, I wouldn't have even realized it had it not been pointed out to me. Sometimes, there's so much happening in your life, in a merry-go-round kinda way that you forget what you're leaving behind, what you're forgetting. Just that, in a merry-go-round, you actually have fun. In this ride, you just get caught up, without any thought or idea where the riden must be leading you.


Predictably, life's been playing around a lot with me lately, as would be evident from my last few posts. Strange though. Particularly because when I started out with this blog, I didn't have any idea what to pen down. I had thought about converting my blog into a travelogue, covering all the wonderful adventures I've been to. However, seeing all the unexpected happenings life takes you through, it's no wonder every time I sit down to write, I write about life!


There's so much in my mind. There's so much happening. When I actually sit down to write, I find that I have lots to share. However, sometimes the words aren't there, sometimes the feelings are too hard to describe. Even then, writing soothes you down so much. I can feel my mind become uncluttered. Writing, no doubt, is the best form of therapy. But then again, when all is said and done.. When the night falls and thoughts cloud your mind.. therez nowhere to hide.. Only silence.. Restless silence....