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The How's and Why's of Life!

There are some times in our life when we push and push some more. Some times for what we want, some times for what we might think we want, a few times even for things which we might not really want but having those things make us feel good about ourselves.

However, what of those times, when we chase things we might not understand, but know that somehow or the other, they are an integral part of what would become of us, in the near future or afterwards. These things define the very core of our needs and wants, they define what makes us - US, they give us a reason to keep pushing forwards, to keep fighting it out. 

Life is a strange mix of the haves and have nots, what we have we might not want, what we want we might not know, and even if we know we might not get those. Moreover, there are some times when suddenly we get it all and we don't know how to quite handle what we have got, we carry it with shaking hands, afraid to break what we have fought hard to get, for we know that once lost, all the power in the world will not be able to restore it to us. 

And that is what scares us. That is what scares us no end. Its not about getting things which matter, its all about keeping them safe - whether its friendship, or our family, or love; or even life for that matter!

The Nothingness of Being

A strange conversation with a very dear friend last evening got me thinking and made me sad about something each of us talk and think about everyday - sometimes with worry, sometimes with relief and I realize now, some with awe too.

Money - Can have enough of it, can't do without it either. How important it is though? Or rather, is it important enough to put a young man's mind to a restless state and completely in awe of someone else having enough of it to flaunt?

This friend in question is a strong, confident man in his own right, intelligent and smart enough to hold his head high and be seen and heard amongst all of his peers. Yet, how some one like him could be so easily influenced and taken aback by tall buildings, sight of his friend's house with the view of the mountain in a metropolitan and, last but not the least, of how one of his very dear newly wedded friend's husband could afford a highly affluent lifestyle, is something that irks me no end.

Visiting his friend got him worried whether he'll be able to afford an affluent lifestyle himself, whether he'll ever be able to own a house with a view, whether he'll ever have enough money to make OTHERS jealous of him was all he could talk about. And it got me wondering, none of this is about HIM. It's all about how OTHERS view HIM! How he looks and is seen to others, even this particular friend for that sake. 

Why do we earn money? Why do we need money? Why does anyone want to earn enough or too much. isn't it for THEMSELVES? So that they could do the things they want to do, so they wouldn't have to think twice before wanting to buy something They want to buy, travel somewhere which might cost them a bomb but bring experiences which would last them a lifetime. 

But no, this friend was more concerned with how his having money or the lack of it would distinguish him in front of people who might or might not matter. What difference does it make? He might be the one who came out and put things this way, but I have seen enough people act the same way, and its so flabbergasting. Why the hell must someone lost respect in your own eyes, doubt your abilities? Why do people want to IMPRESS? Why they want to live their lives for others? Why make other people's priorities your own? 

My mind is in a turmoil. I don't say I don't want money, or that I'm happy with enough to cover my body and have a roof on my head. I know I'm in a comfortable position in life just 'cuz my parents slogged their lives to provide enough for us. But I also know I would NEVER want something to prove a point to someone. 

Why bear the brunt of others' unnecessary expectations and priorities? Isn't one already over-burdened by one's own expectations and wants? 

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably desirable..

The Scare of “Being Scared”

I am scared. Very very scared.

Mostly I am scared to be a woman in my country’s capital. Then I am scared for the fear that I am slowly but surely losing my independence which I am fighting for everyday since I was a child. I am scared to get on a public transport – at any time of the day. I am shit scared of travelling alone at night even though I feel angry @ feeling so. I am scared of trusting the autowallah I wave to stop on the road. I am scared of even driving my own car!

I am scared of wanting to enjoy a normal life – the life which most men take for granted. I am scared of the fear and anxiousness I see on my family’s faces every day when I kiss them good-bye for office. I am scared when I hear the same anxiousness growing manifold when I tell them I’ll be working later than the day-light hours. I am scared of the uncertainty that my every step brings – to myself and those who care for me. I am scared of opening the newspaper everyday – for fear of the number of new rape stories that I shall read – each of which depicts the woman as the one “shamed”. I am scared of trying to argue with the world why I should not have to put a full-stop to my life ‘cuz of the animals roaming around.

Why? Why should I have to think a zillion times before planning a late-night movie? Why should I be questioned for wanting to save my hard-earned money and not splurging on a cab-ride everyday – which again isn’t safe? Why should every time a rape case happens, the whole world questions the “circumstances”  - the girl might be travelling alone, she might be with a male friend, she might even be “alone” at her “own home”, she might be coming late from office working hard to meet deadlines, she might have been coming back from a drinking spree with her friends. Why should the girl be questioned at all?

And what right does anyone have to question a girl’s “morality” – her wearing jeans, her being educated, her befriending people of the opposite sex, her even drinking and smoking, and something which all of us read but chose to ignore – her being put on the same pedestal as a woman who indulges in sex for money – and even she doesn’t deserve to be raped! Is it “moral” for people to refuse to see women as people of the same race and giving her the well-deserved “Right to Live”? Is it “moral” for the people to even THINK that a rapist might EVER be justified for any God-damn reason?

How low have we gotten? As a nation? As a society? As the human race altogether? And inspite of such repeated acts, I read about the police officers and politicians and courts asking the people to pat them on their backs for “quick action”. Excuse me? But isn’t that something that MUST happen – not just this one time – but rather ALWAYS? And what use will that be when the “guilty” might never be punished – a case in point being the Aruna Shaunbaug case among many others where the guilty went scot-free after years of trial?

We are not safe on the roads. We are not safe in the malls. We are not safe in the moving vehicles. And we are not safe even @ our homes. What exactly are we supposed to do? And why should me or the million other women in this city be scared – EVER - of wanting to live their lives as a “normal free woman”  living in a so-called democratic and free country? I am still not FREE and I shall not be till I know that a rapist might not be lurking at each and every turn I take. And he might just take “offense” and try and hurt me even more if I refuse to accept his sexual advances?!

I so hate, despise and am disgusted of this feeling of being forced to be “scared” when I take pride in being anything but? 

Emotions

Emotions : So powerful and consuming; they have the ability to make you see life vividly - colorful & bright; yet at the same time, sometimes they blacken everything to soot. Love and Hatred : 2 sides of the same coin!

The clay mold's gonna break very soon!

Yes, may be it's the right time - may be it's not! But I can feel it feel it coming. A lot of circles have been forming lately, the web growing thicker, making it even more difficult to find the way out. However, the mold must break some day, never too soon, sometimes late, but it must break one day. And it should, or else the weight become too heavy to take. 

Not sure if it's for the good, but I guess the decision to go with the flow is also a two-edged sword. On one way, it makes you sit back and enjoy the mockery life tries to make and so do people, on the other hand, it makes you even more determined to CHANGE - yourself as well as the situations. Sometimes we wait too long, sometimes we go in too deep, but then again it's always not so necessarily bad. You stretch your limits, you see life going topsy turvy - in  all possible places. Obviously, that doesn't surprise you, for you have been used to the rut. In fact, sometimes it makes you ticklish just thinking how bad it can get. But till then the clay mold's become so strong - it can either break or be broken. 

A change is underway. And CHANGE it shall be!!!